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Dating tips - I need em!

Last post 11-07-2007 3:21 AM by michelleATL. 14 replies.
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  • 07-31-2007 9:25 PM

    Dating tips - I need em!

    Alright, I turn 24 on Aug 24, and I'm a single female. Nothing wrong with that.  I've had one serious relationship that I've been out of for 2 years and a few curious, wonder what it'll be like to be with someone out of the norm, flings.  Nothing wrong with that also, but still I can't help but wonder if my albinism plays a factor in my slow, almost non-existent romance life.

    I'm black, which seems to turn off guys of all races who are expecting a white chick, and I turn off black guys who approach me because they think I'm white once they find out I'm not. It seems the guys who are purposefully looking for black women want them to look the part as well. I come from a very mixed background - one of my grandmothers was 100% European, and the other was over half, legally recognized, Native American, with a few other racial ingredients brewed into my background, so race really is one of the last things I consider in people, but I understand that it's not the case for everyone.  Any suggestions on how I can overcome this?
     

    I'm average - 5'8, size 10. Every guy EVER that I've approached on more than friends level has told me it's not a too fat/too skinny, too short/too tall thing, but stopped short of saying it's a "too pale" thing. Am I jumping the gun by saying it is? Now I know that it could be a personality issue, and I would assume it is, except for the fact that I had/have plenty of real friends. Heck, I was an RA for 3 years, so I must have a likable personality on some level. 

    I consider myself to be well adapted to my condition. I went away from home to college, even did an internship away from college and home. I now live where I did that internship, between Baltimore and Washington DC, and have purchased a starter home. I drive with an unrestricted license and have a good job using my Bachelors degree in software. I'm about to go back to school this Fall for my Masters.  My point is this: When I'm 50 I don't want to say that I neglected the only real important things in life - relationships, but right now I feel like a close relationship is eluding me, not for lack of trying.  

    I've figured out a lot of strategies that have allowed me to achieve the aforementioned despite having albinism, but this is one area that I consistently draw a blank on. Any suggestions and comments are welcome. 

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    • Post Points: 95
  • 08-03-2007 11:56 AM In reply to

    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    You might try a dating service like e-harmony.  From what I understand those allow you to get to know a lot about the other person before actually meeting.  That way he would know ahead of time that you have albinism.  I know a couple that met through e-harmony.  I attended their wedding and they're still happy after three years.  Although I also know someone else who tried their free trial and nothing came of it but I think she may have had better luck if she had subscribed because she might have just needed longer to find someone.  I don't mean to sound like a commercial but if I were single that's what I'd do.  I'm curious to know what kind of a person I would be matched up with.  Considering the divorce rate nowdays, it couldn't hurt to be matched on 29 dimensions. 

    • Post Points: 20
  • 08-04-2007 9:23 AM In reply to

    • Mati Ruiz
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    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    e-harmony is crap and when it really comes down to it is if the other person is going to love you for you and not for your looks.  I'm going to tell you right now I found the perfect person and the way I found her doesn't matter, she acts just like me in every way and she is adorable, caring, understanding, and most importantly has a good sense of humor^^ I'm glad that God put someone in my life like that and when it comes down to it that's all you have to do. let God handle your problems.  have faith and believe that everything happens for a reason and in time the right one will come along for us all.

    • Post Points: 20
  • 08-04-2007 3:26 PM In reply to

    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    whatever
    • Post Points: 20
  • 08-04-2007 4:32 PM In reply to

    • Mati Ruiz
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    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

     aww what's wrong you can't except that fact that no all dating sites work, trusting a coded generator of information is not a way to find someone. back in the day before all this internet and dating sites is was all about truly getting to know someone and loving that person for the things that you didn't like also.  no one will find the perfect person and even though you might find that perfect person, they still do things that you don't like about them.  so get over it miss fairy and if you don't like what I say then say more then one work to me.  other then that shut up.

    • Post Points: 5
  • 08-04-2007 6:08 PM In reply to

    • MineN
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    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    There is no reason to be that judgemental about online dating services. It may work for some, and not for others. They have worked for me. I have met my husband on one about four years ago. Ofcourse, you have to take precautions that you would always take when you are first meeting strangers, especially from the internet. Don't give out too much personal info, meet in person, in a public place, run if you see red flags like they need money from you, etc, but I must say these things didn't even happen to me. I met mostly nice and normal people.

    I didn't bring up the albinism prior to meeting, but I did bring it up on the first date, when conveniently my then future husband mentioned Yellowman, the Jamaican reggae singer. It didn't matter to him at all. He is a black man by the way, who didn't look for a specific skin tone in a girlfriend. I'd say generally try and surround yourself with open-minded people, people who are comfortable outside of their comfort zone, and you'll be ok.

    But I see no reason why you shouldn't take matters into your own hands as opposed to being passive like Mr. Ruiz suggests. There are no guarantees in life, but there is no harm in making an effort.

    • Post Points: 20
  • 08-04-2007 6:16 PM In reply to

    • Mati Ruiz
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    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

     my personal reasons are my own and in a way I don't like them, and yes I am a little paranoid when it comes down to dating sites but old fashioned doesn't hurt either.  I am sticking to what works for me and if anyone wants to have a good at dating sites go right head, I'm not interested in them.  not now not ever, my opinion don't post harsh retorts of the sort because I will try not to give a crap.  oh wait I don't care^^

    • Post Points: 20
  • 08-04-2007 7:58 PM In reply to

    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    Dating sites work for some and not for others. I'm open minded, so I have given them a try. What I found was one of two types of people - 1. Superficial looking for a quick hook up or 2. creeps/people who honestly have social problems. Of course, you're bound to find an exception or two out there, like whoever posted that they met their spouse through one of those sites.

     I didn't mean to start a holy war over internet dating. The types of suggestions and advice I was hoping to get when I started this topic was things like when you first meet someone, particularly someone you think you might be interested in in more than a friends way, how do you handle the fact that you're albino? Do you bring it up and explain it right away? Or do you "hide" it and explain it later in the hopes that they'll have gotten to know you for you? How do you handle the fact that you do look different, so a lot of potential candidates won't even give you the time of day? Do you dye your hair and do self tanners, or do you wear your paleness proudly?  These are really the sorts of issues I meant to bring up.

    • Post Points: 20
  • 08-05-2007 12:26 AM In reply to

    • MineN
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    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    Hi again,

    I'll try to answer your questions: I do dye my hair and eye brows, but I have never tried self-tanners and am not interested in trying that. (There is nothing wrong with it, it's just too much effort for me.) The average guy probably thinks I look like a reddish blonde Irish girl, or similar background. (Although I am from a Middle Eastern background and they should be able to tell there is something different about my eyes.) I have no problems accepting the fact that dying my hair has probably helped me meet people.

    My confidence about this grew over time. When I was younger, I avoided the topic completely. Later on, I started mentioning it early in the process, because inevitably I get involved in a conversation about the fact that people from my country don't look like me. Also, I want to explain the eye sight at some point, so the guy is ok with sitting in the front in the movie theater. :) I have really not experienced any negative reactions. I think the more confidence I had, the easier it became, and the more it was a non-issue. My personal opinion is that you should not hide it but also not make a big deal out of it. Bring it up as part of a casual conversation and answer their questions if they ask. Later on, if you feel they will become an important part of your life, you may probably want to share more of your experiences, if you feel that is something they need to know about you.

    • Post Points: 20
  • 08-05-2007 12:53 AM In reply to

    • Mati Ruiz
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    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    well for me personally I alway brought it up even when we were talking as friends. if someone is going to accept you it's for all of you.  I believe being straight up with someone is the best way to handle things. that way they accept all of you from the beginning and understand everything from the rip and you don't have to deal with ignorance at a later time.

    • Post Points: 5
  • 08-07-2007 4:13 PM In reply to

    • Simon
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    • Joined on 08-07-2007
    • Posts 1
    • Points 20

    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    Mati Ruiz you are rude.  Are you mentally challenged?  Becuase you sound like it.

    Pocketfuzzies, my dating tip is just keep being your beautiful self and someone that appreciates you for who you are will come along.

    • Post Points: 20
  • 08-08-2007 6:48 AM In reply to

    • Mati Ruiz
    • Top 500 Contributor
    • Joined on 06-07-2007
    • Parkersburg, WV
    • Posts 31
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    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    maybe it's just me or I'm (old school) about things.  people can't be as homo as you and expect to get all the girls.  I have one and that's all that counts.  oh and don't you even think about coming at my neck with crap about me being mentally challenged. Surprise OMG i'm i.e. retarded because I feel differently about things then other people.Devil don't even begin to assume that i'm even close to being stupid or your favorite words MENTALLY CHALLENGED!!!!!

    • Post Points: 5
  • 08-15-2007 3:55 AM In reply to

    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    hi

     have gat some new pictures  on my computer now would you like to see them?

    • Post Points: 5
  • 10-17-2007 1:00 PM In reply to

    • alsscott
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    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    Hi Pocketfuzzies!

    I commend you on getting a good, strong education.  You have done quie well for yourself.  You are a beautiful person of whom the good Lod made for a wonderful purpose on this earth.  Just  know that you are somebody very speicial not because of your albinism but because you are you. 

    You don't have to go looking for love because love will find you, that special person that is.  In the meantime just be good friends with guys who approach you and  don't read anything into anything, let them lead.  If he doesn't want a relationship with you, then he's not the one for you.  Just enjoy getting to know guys and have good, clean fun and let guys know that you will be respected because if you don't respect yourself then nobody else will either.  Just be greatly encouraged and stay  STRONG my sister and enjoy being single!!!  There are a lot of Annwomen out there that wish they would hae waited for that special person.

    Annie

    • Post Points: 5
  • 11-07-2007 3:21 AM In reply to

    Re: Dating tips - I need em!

    hi. i'm a 25 year old female from Atlanta, GA. your situation sounds similar to mine as far as relationships go. i've never had a real relationship, and for years i blamed it on my condition. what it really was is that i was just afraid that it would be an issue to the other person. i realized that if they had a problem with it, they weren't the one. your complexion should not be an issue what-so-ever. i know plenty of guys who couldn't care less. my real friends have never even asked me about it. my skin isn't important; it isn't who i am. the guy i'm interested in now is in disbelief that i'm not taken. he said, "It's hard to believe you're not seeing anyone else. There's nothing wrong with you.." anyway, don't feel down because you can't find someone. they'll find you and whatever you may think is wrong with you won't matter to them. i know that the wait is frustating though...i'm waiting right along with you :) 

    and i think you cold be jumping the gun with the 'too pale' issue. i don't think it is that specifically. some people just aren't able to handle what others may say. for instance, a black man with a white woman (or vice versa) may cause some people to make comments. so it isn't you, it's them and their inability to not give a damn about what society approves of or thinks is 'normal'. i have a friend that works in D.C. i could hook the two of you up if you want :)  i know i'm rambling, but i've felt exactly the way you do. it is a hard thing to deal with, and hard to make friends understand. just be patient, and never think that your complexion should be an issue. it shouldn't. that's a way to tell if someone is even worth your time..

    michelleATL@hotmail.com

    • Post Points: 5
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